M E M O R A N D U M
From: The 13 originals (MA, CT, NH, RI, NY, NJ, PA, VA, MD, DE, GA, NC, SC)
To: The other 37 “states”
Date: November 9, 2016
We are sure that you will agree, in light of recent events, that our alliance has grown rather uncomfortable. In response, we have undertaken a close review of our original contract. Article 4, Section 3 of the Constitution provides for the admission of new states purely at the discretion of Congress – a Congress which obviously, in the minds of the framers, included only the thirteen original signatories.
Upon reflection, we have come to the conclusion that inviting the rest of you to join us was a regrettable lapse of judgement – a mistake that we are now determined to set right. In short: the thirteen United States of America have decided to revert to our original membership. The other thirty-seven of you are out on your ass.
Vermont, we have to admit that we have been torn up about you, and we almost grandfathered you in. After all, your statehood goes all the way back to 1791! And to be honest, we still feel kind of guilty about the border kerfuffle with New York in the 1780’s. But then we remembered what a dick Bernie was this past spring, and it affirmed our initial sense that a clean break would be best. We know that you and Canada will be very happy together.
For those of you who were part of the Louisiana purchase (and that’s a lot of you! Arkansas, Iowa, Missouri, Kansas, Oklahoma, Nebraska, and parts of Minnesota, Louisiana, New Mexico, South Dakota, Wyoming, Montana and Colorado) – we have taken the liberty of making initial overtures to France, and they just might take you back. If Colorado could bring along some particularly choice Green Crack or Sour Diesel, then it would almost certainly seal the deal.
Texas, you are clearly destined for Mexico. True, they were really offended by the sombrero-wearing Chihuahua in that Taco Bell commercial. But if you can just stop talking smack about the Wall, we’re pretty sure they’ll welcome you with open arms.
The rest of you, we’re afraid, are shit out of luck. But that’s not really our problem, now, is it?
We are not heartless! California, Oregon, Washington and Illinois – you have unlimited visiting rights! And for our part, we would love to retain unlimited visiting rights to Hawaii—save us a nice spot on the beach come February.
If you are looking for a forwarding address, in a nod to tradition, President Clinton will be setting up shop in Philadelphia. True, at the moment, we are pretty pissed at Pennsylvania. And we sure did have some fun times when we were housed in New York City in 1789. But real estate prices are insane in the Big Apple, and if you’re planning to commute in from Jersey, the traffic can be a living hell. Besides which, Hamilton is sold out into the 2020’s. Philadelphia does have an amazing food scene these days, with some truly world-class vegan restaurants. And given its age, that Liberty Bell still looks pretty good.
So this is good-bye, then! We are off to re-form our more perfect Union. But if we run into you at the 2018 Olympics, maybe we can have a beer.