And it came to pass on the seventh day of the month of Kislev, just after the Feast of Turkeys, that Laurie, daughter of Bob and Inge, went unto Whole Foods. And she saw in Whole Foods a Whole Shelf of Chanukah candles, and she saw that they were good candles, hand-dipped, in colors many and various. And she saw that they cost $22 a box; and she said unto herself; "That is a lot of shekels for a box of Chanukah candles." And Laurie, child of Israel, did vow on that day to find and purchase more reasonably-priced Chanukah candles before the 23rd of Kislev when began the Festival of Lights.
But Laurie, daughter of Bob and Inge, grew distracted with work and family; verily, Laurie had a life. And thus did Laurie break her vow, and she did not purchase Chanukah candles before the 23rd of Kislev; but instead did light the Menorah for three nights using leftover candles from the previous year.
And on the 27th of Kislev did Laurie go again to Whole Foods, seeking to purchase Chanukah candles, which candles had once been plenteous. But lo, she found the Chanukah candles displaced by a large display of Christmas ornaments; and the staff at Whole Foods did say unto her, "Verily, Chanukah is so last Tuesday." And there were no candles at Whole Foods.
Thus did Laurie venture forth in search of Chanukah candles. In Harvard Square did she search, in gift shops and craft shops; even in Cardullo's, purveyor of fine foods and wines, did she search. But candles there were none. And Laurie, daughter of Bob and Inge, went forth to two different CVSs. Laurie, daughter of Bob and Inge, found ample displays of Christmas goods:
And one sad shelf of leftover Chanukah merchandise:
But of candles, there were none.
Rebecca, the oldest child begotten of Laurie and Steve, son of Carol and Maurice, said unto her mother, "Go thou forth to Brookline. For there are Jews in Brookline, and much Jewish retail. Even is there kosher Chinese food in Brookline. There thou shalt find candles for the Festival of Lights."
Thus spake Laurie to her child:
"Nay, we shall not buy candles tomorrow in Brookline. Behold thy iPhone: it declareth that today is Friday. And behold the sun, which doth begin to set: thus begins the Sabbath. The Jews in Brookline are righteous Jews: they do not sell bagels on the Sabbath, nor rugelach, nor pastrami; neither do they sell candles on the Sabbath. Whereas we, the Jews of Newton, are wicked Jews. Behold, we eat smoked mussels even as we grate the potatoes for latkes."
And Laurie and Steve and the two children begotten of their loins lit the candles, on two menorahs, with four candles plus a Shamash or "helper" candle, five candles in each menorah, ten candles in total. And they asked aloud whether tradition called for lighting the candles from left to right or right to left, and they knew not, and were confused. Then they beheld the box of candles, and they found that the remaining candles numbered nine:
And the children of Israel knew that these would not suffice. These candles could light but one menorah for one more night, or two menorahs for the fifth night of Chanuakah if they left off the Shamash and squinted at the second menorah to pretend that there were five candles and not but four. And yet there remained four nights in the Festival of Lights, leading to the Festival of Dim Sum. And the Children of Israel grew worried.
Thus spake Steve, son of Carol and Maurice: "Lo, we might fill these candle reservoirs with oil, and light the oil afire, as did the Jews of old." But Laurie, daughter of Bob and Inge, answered thus: "We have used all the oil in the frying of latkes. And in any event, that would probably burn down the house."
And the Children of Israel thought their parents were stupid.
And it came to pass on the 28th day of Kislev that Laurie, daughter of Bob and Inge, rose early; to yoga class did she go. Then Laurie went unto Shaw's, and she beheld this miracle:
Here the lights were plentiful, and cost only $.59 per box, far fewer shekels than the good, hand-dipped candles of Whole Foods. And thus did Laurie buy three boxes, although in truth she needed but two, because Laurie, daughter of Bob and Inge, could not resist a bargain.
And when they children of Israel saw that the lights would be sufficient for eight days, they rejoiced.
And therefore did they celebrate in the manner of the Jews of Newton.
