We will be boarding the plane this morning by group number. Your group number should be printed on your boarding pass in inescapably large font. If you do not have a group number on your boarding pass it means that you have failed in some way. Please approach the podium so that we can mock you.
Alternatively, you can calculate your own group number by multiplying your age by 9/5 and adding 32.
We would like to welcome Group #1 to board at this time. Group #1 includes First Class passengers, Platinum level Frequent Fliers, and People Who Are Much More Important Than You. We invite you to board via the Red Carpet lane, because we are confident that walking on 5 yards of red indoor-outdoor carpet will greatly enhance your boarding experience.
Also welcome to board at this time are members of the armed services, especially those wearing camouflage fatigues. Because we've read all about PTSD and Abu Ghraib, and quite frankly, you guys scare us.
We would like to remind our customers that you are only allowed to bring one piece of carry-on luggage plus one Personal Item onto the plane with you. Bags full of carry-out food from the airport food court are exempt from this limit, unless the bags contain General Gao's Chicken from the Golden Panda, because that stuff smells so good that it makes us all much too hungry and we just know you're not going to share.
Group #2 is now welcome to board. Group #2 includes Business Class passengers, Gold and Silver level Frequent Fliers, and People Who Are Somewhat More Important Than You.
Those traveling in wheelchairs, to whom we will euphemistically refer as "people who need a little extra help down the aisle," can now come forward, so that a sullen and resentful flight attendant can help you to your seat. We used to board you people first, even before first class; but we have determined that such preferential treatment creates a disincentive for our patrons to achieve independent ambulation.
Those of you who truly just need a little extra help down the aisle -- those of you dealing with sprained ankles, painfully arthritic knees, or recovering from hip replacement surgery -- can sit down and wait your damned turn.
Parents who are traveling with small children are welcome to board between Groups 3 and 4. Children traveling with small parents can board between Groups 4 and 5, or not at all.
Members of the military who did not board with Group 1 are welcome to board whenever the mood strikes you. In fact, you guys are welcome to take any seat on the plane that strikes your fancy, whether or not it is occupied. This airline is proud to support our troops.
We are pleased to welcome Group 3 to board at this time. Group 3 includes Tin and Bauxite level Frequent Fliers and People with More Money Than You (But Not All That Much More Or They'd Be In Group 1).
As you board the plane, people, please try to step quickly out of the aisles. You are blocking the way and keeping us from the important business of shooing Groups 4 and 5 into their seats. The sooner we take off, the sooner we will all be able to get to Happy Hour in our destination city. We would like to remind you that two-for-one beers and free jalapeno poppers are only available at the Airport Hilton until 6:00, and right now we are cutting it close.
If your ticket shows that you are in Group 4 or 5, we are astonished that you think you are going to get your carry-on luggage into an overhead bin. Not a chance, my friends. Please bring your bags to the service desk, where they will be promptly and securely detonated.
We are now willing to tolerate boarding by members of Groups 4 and 5. Board if you must; but we would like to ask you to refrain from doing the many things you do that annoy us, such as: stowing your coats in the overhead bins, dallying in the aisles, talking, smiling or breathing. We have places to go and things to do, people, and quite frankly right now you are just plain in the way.
But we'd like to thank you for flying with us today. Because we know you have choices. Just not on this particular route, for which we happen to have a monopoly.